Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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