Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
