Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
