I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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