My liver just broke up with me...
Say something about gay babies.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
