There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
