Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
