Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
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