I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
