But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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