i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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