i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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