Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
