just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
