Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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