Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Randomize
