Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
