I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
