too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
