I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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