Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
