I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
