A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
