i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
