I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
