Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
