well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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