What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
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