Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
