if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
