That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
