I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
