I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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