1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
