It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
