my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
