someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
