The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm like, not good at living.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
