Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
where are you?
Hypothermia
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
