Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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