If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
