I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
