I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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