theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
