I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
