i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
