The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
