i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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