I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
