he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Less talking, more tequila
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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