we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
